Redirecting your Child's behavior

The fact that you are divorced and are parenting from separate locations doesn’t make you exempt from developing a respectful co-parenting relationship. You still will need to negotiate and communicate about the needs of your children. As long as you have children together, you will still have a relationship to address.

Developing a civil relationship with your former spouse will not happen overnight. However, here is a list of do’s and don’ts that will point you in the right direction.

Don’ts

Don’t try to find out information about your former partner through your children.
Don’t make your former partner wrong or put them down in front of your children. Your children love you both. They are they a part of each of you. So when you make your partner wrong, you make them wrong.
Don’t try to punish your former partner through your children.
Don’t compare yourself to your former partner.
Don’t compete or try to keep up with the absent parent.
Don’t make excuses for a parent who is late or doesn’t keep agreements. This only makes it harder for your children to express their feelings and to work toward making things different. Instead, coach your child how to handle these situations with the parent.

Do’s

Learn to let go of past hurt, resentment, shame, blame, and guilt. Make amends where needed. If you are having trouble doing this, get help from a counselor. Releasing hurt and blame could be the most important thing you ever do to help yourself and your family.
Be supportive of your children’s visitation unless you have a valid reason to believe your former partner may harm your children. Make it easy for him or her to be able to see the children.
Develop a strong parenting team. Discuss what values you want in your family. Openly discuss discipline and come to an agreement on how you will discipline (taking a Redirecting Children’s Behavior parenting class together is helpful). Once your children feel the unity between the two of you, they will test you less and there will be less stress in your family.
Allow your child to openly discuss their feelings. Make it safe for them by listening without the intrusion of guilt or defensiveness. Accept their feelings at face value without trying to fix or minimize them.
Put agreements in writing. Put your child’s schedule of important events in writing and make sure that your former partner has a copy. Miscommunication can create unnecessary conflict.
Understand that it is only natural for a child to want his natural parents back together again. Try to accept this feeling rather than feel threatened by it or by trying to change the child’s mind.
Learn from other couples. Many couples break up and are still best friends. Some even buy houses in the same neighborhood to make it easier on their children! If you do not have a supportive relationship, learn from others who have been successful.

Being apart requires persistence, courage, and self-reflection. You are being asked to stretch yourself beyond normal boundaries to find a place in your heart to forgive, let go, and face many complicated family issues. Practicing and encouraging the above tips will help to make your new family dynamics a success.