Redirecting your Child's behavior

Lesson: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Exercise: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Lesson 2 - Keys To Winning Your Partner's Cooperation

The parents below need some tips on how to work together.

"Why doesn't Ashley have her homework done yet?" asks Dad antagonistically. "I told her she could finish it after her favorite show," Mom defends. "I can't believe you are letting our daughter put her favorite TV show before her homework," says Dad sarcastically. "What were you thinking?!"

It is imperative that parents present a “united front” to their children. If they do not, children often learn to manipulate the situation and create further conflict between the parents. It can also feel confusing for children when there isn’t a unified sense of discipline.

There are many reasons why parents disagree about parenting methods. Here are some common parenting situations and some helpful tips:

1. What can you do if one parent is overly permissive and the other tries to compensate by becoming controlling?

a. Try to remain unattached to what your partner is doing or not doing. When you react in a negative (attached) way, it usually only makes them more defensive.

b. Make an effort to understand your partner’s paradigm. In the above example, Dad could have asked calmly, “I thought Ashley was going to do her homework before she watched TV. Do we have a miscommunication here?”

c. Find ways you can support your partner’s style of discipline.

d. Discuss parenting issues in private. Do not come between your partner and your child in front of the child (unless your partner is being physically, mentally or sexually abusive).

e. If your child complains to you about the other parent, do not rescue her or take her side. Instead, give her the skills to be able to handle the situation.

f. If you catch yourself judging your partner, redirect yourself by trying to find a way you can be more helpful.

g. Try switching roles for a month if one person is usually the disciplinarian.

h. If you are being permissive, recognize that by your actions, you are making your partner look like the “bad guy.”

2. What if you and your partner are in competition over who is the better parent?

a. If you catch yourself comparing, replace it with a different thought or affirmation like, “I choose to delight in and honor our differences.”

b. Redirect your energy to make your partner successful.

c. Remember that competition means one person wins and the other person loses, while cooperation means both of you win. This is the model that you want your children to emulate.

3. What do you do if one parent builds a "know it all... wall?

a. Acknowledge that you are choosing being “right” over being close. Is this what you want?

b. Go for what is right for your children versus simply being right.

c. If you are the one who likes to be right, find a way to make your partner feel valuable or needed which will help you to give up your need to be “right.”

d. Make a game out of saying, “You’re right!” to each other. Do you celebrate and emphasize what is right with your partner or what is wrong with your partner? Some people make a career out finding out what is wrong with the other person. Say the words, “You’re right!” in a fun, playful way.

“There is no right or wrong. There is only what serves you and what does not.”

Neale Donald Walsch

4. What do you do if you are feeling controlled by your partner?

a. Try not to hold grudges or blame.

b. Be clear about what you want, and firm and loving about making it happen.

c. Recognize that in order for someone to be controlling, you have to have someone who is volunteering to be controlled.

d. This often puts a child in the unhealthy position of trying to protect or side with the one who they perceive as an underdog. Try to keep an awareness around how your child reacts to you both.

e. Children may model the controlling parent and become uncooperative and disrespectful to the other parent. To overcome this, the person who is feeling controlled may want to get help being more assertive.