1. Make Your Home Emotionally Safe. In order for children to thrive and become their best, they need to feel emotionally safe. If they do not feel safe, they expend their energy protecting themselves instead of discovering themselves. Children who feel silenced, smothered, judged, threatened or rewarded will have a hard time feeling emotionally safe. Also, parents who allow their children to pick on one another emotionally or physically will have a hard time creating emotional safety.
One of the best ways to create emotional safety is by making your home a “No Put Down Zone.” In addition, require that any one who puts down someone, has to tell that person three things they like about them.
Another way of creating emotional safety is by allowing them to express their feelings, no matter how irrational they are.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Just listen without judging, and watch those highly charged feelings dissipate.
2. Work Through Conflict. Teach your children to state how they feel without calling names or blaming each other. Next, have them clearly state what they want in a calm tone of voice. Encourage them to find a solution where both people win.
3. Repair Hurts. Many families do not address or acknowledge hurts. This neglect only adds more fuel to the fire. Revenge escalates from yelling, to slamming doors, to the next best thing in attempt to get you to notice that they are hurting. Often silence and distance become deadly weapons in this battle. If you find yourself in a revenge battle, the first step is to stop overpowering or hurting back. This is difficult to do because you often feel justified in escalating the situation. You can repair hurts by admitting where you are wrong and doing things to help re-establish the relationship.
4. Schedule Sanely. It is almost impossible to feel close when you are hurrying around trying to get things done. Family members feel that something else is more important than they are.
5. Have Fun with Each Other. Lighten up! Schedule time where you do something fun together as a family once a week. Fun and play make your home an inviting place to come home to.
6. Random Acts of Kindness Did you know that when someone does something kind for someone, both people experience a boost in their immune system? Plus, everyone else who watches it will experience a boost in their immune system – even if the act was not done to them.
7. Commit to Closeness. We may say we want to have peace and closeness in our families but have you ever made it a commitment? What would that even look like? One way to accomplish this is to teach your family to become aware of the energy in your home. Is it tense and negative or is it loving and cooperative? If it is tense and negative, change the energy by doing an encouragement feast, talk about how people are feeling or do something fun. Make being close as a family your number one priority every day.
8. Encourage Your Family to be a Team. Encouraging your family to become teammates creates a sense of belonging and unity. Talk about your family being a team. When chores need to be done, see how fast you can get them done by working as a team. Develop a team name and cheer.
Teach cheerleading as a part of being a team. Instead of competing with each other, teach your family that positive reinforcement creates a wonderful feeling of camaraderie. If parents don’t stress the importance of teamwork, children often concentrate on who’s getting more – more attention, toys, food, love, etc.
9. Show Up. This includes:
- Being on time
- Keeping your agreements
- Remembering important events
- Listening with no agenda
- Watching them
- Focusing your attention on them, without thinking about something else you deem more important.
10. Honor Your Child’s Path. Respect the path your children take to learn and grow, rather than wanting or expecting them to do what you think is best (e.g., get the grades you want, or participating in the clubs and sports you want). This gives your child freedom to discover their unique talents and passions, as well as make their own mistakes. Your children will want to be close when they feel celebrated for who they are.
11. Greet Each Other. Children like to feel the connection that occurs when you say your “hellos” and “goodbyes” in a passionate way. Make sure your face lights up when you see them. This creates a feeling of being wanted and welcome.
12. Get to Know Each Other. At mealtimes, do a “Summary of Your Day.” Each person shares as many of the following questions as they want:
- What was the best part of their day?
- What was the worst part of their day?
- What was something silly or funny that happened today?
- They can ask advice on any subject. The only rule is that no one can criticize or make fun of anything someone is sharing.
OR make up your own questions like:
- What is your biggest challenge right now?
- What are 3 goals you have this week?
- What president do you think was the fairest, and why?
