Redirecting your Child's behavior

Lesson: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

Exercise: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11

Lesson 3 - 8 Steps For Handling Feelings Effectively

There are eight simple but, essential steps that we can take to ensure that our children will want to communicate with us. Many parents complain that their teenager won't talk to them - that they don't know their child anymore. Using these steps will not only prevent this from happening to you, it will enhance your communication skills in all your relationships.

8 Steps for Handling Feelings Effectively

1. Create a warm, loving, and accepting atmosphere for talking. Make sure you are not in a hurry and you won’t be interrupted.

4. Identify the feeling behind the words of your child. What is he really trying to communicate? Focus on increasing your understanding of their feelings. Try to actually feel what your child is feeling. Sometimes showing your child that he is understood is enough. Remember; don’t judge his feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong – they just are (however, this doesn’t mean you have to agree with him).

5. Use Feeling Encouragers. They help your child fully express himself, which means he will feel heard, understood and accepted. When he feels this way, it is easier for him to figure out his next move effectively.

6. Match their tone of voice - If your child is quiet and sad, don’t use a cheery tone. If your child is furious, don’t use a happy, quiet tone. It is important not to take on the emotion, only match the energy level of your child's tone.

7. Use timing effectively - Don’t go to the next step until he is less emotionally charged. If you start asking questions and offering help before his strong feelings are dissipated, he won’t be ready to think of a healthy solution on his own.

8. Ask questions to help solve problems. It is tempting to solve the child’s problems for him. After all, we are able to foresee consequences. However, if we solve it for him, we will keep him from learning how to solve his own problems. If a solution is needed and he hasn’t figured one out yet, ask leading questions like:

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8 steps to for handling feelings effectively.

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Make sure your tone is not patronizing or judgmental. Your job is NOT to fix or solve problems. Your job is NOT to make your child happy. Your job IS only to provide a safe place for him to discover his options. Remember, your purpose is to help your child discover his own answers, not yours.

“In a nutshell, parents teach children to make better choices by asking them questions rather than delivering the usual onslaught of criticism, nagging, and didactic lecture.”

Elisa Medhus, M.D., Raising Children Who Think for Themselves

Are you remembering to “Check your Mango
before you Tango?”

Here is a scenario of how a conversation might sound using both an ineffective response and an effective response.

Child's Communication	Ineffective Response	Effective Response
I'm angry.	You shouldn't feel that way. What's wrong now?	Tell me more.
Johnny hit me.	Well, what did you do to him?	Yeah?
I didn't do anything to him.	You probably asked for it!	Oh?
I don't think he likes me.	So what does that matter?	That doesn’t feel good.
I want him to like me.	Sure, everybody wants that!	Yeah, I can understand that.
I guess I could ask him over.	Well, it'll have to be next week.	That’s courageous.

Below is a list of verbal and nonverbal clues that children demonstrate when they want you to change your approach to make it safer for them to express their feelings.

If you see any of these signs, your best bet is to use Feeling Encouragers to invite them to continue telling you how they feel.