The Family Puzzle... Putting the Pieces Together
Session 3 - WHY DOES MY CHILD "MISBEHAVE?"
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Exercise: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5
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Lesson 5 - Identifying The Goal of Revenge
The child who has the goal of revenge seems to be saying with their actions and words, “I want to hurt others the way I hurt.” The parent in this situation feels hurt, victimized, and unappreciated.
Children seeking revenge may exhibit one or more of these behaviors:
- Blaming others
- Saying hurtful things
- Destroying property
- Stealing
- Acting entitled
- Abusiveness
- Making self unlikable
- Intimidation
- Hurting children, animals and/or self
- Getting bad grades
- Hang out with the “wrong crowd”
- Excessive use of drugs or alcohol
- Promiscuity
- Acting like they don’t care
Parents often react to this child in non-productive ways, such as:
- Giving in
- Threatening
- Yelling
- Overpowering
- Bribery
- Hurting back
- Punishing
- ”Walking on eggshells”
- Not caring, to protect yourself
- Withdrawing affection
- Losing trust
What is going on in your child’s life that is making your child feel hurt? Here are some possibilities:
- Views your discipline as punishment
- Is chronically sick
- Is being bullied
- Is being abused mentally, sexually or physically
- Has a learning challenge
- Feels disconnected from parent(s)
- Didn’t bond well with a significant adult as a child
- Feels hurt by someone
- Feels over-powered by someone
- Is pampered
- Does not have a good relationship with an adult
- Doesn’t like self
- Is being teased at school
- Is being excluded at school
Redirecting the Goal of Revenge
Earlier in this session, we discussed the three steps to redirecting children’s behavior.
- Check your emotional state.
- Understand what your child is trying to communicate.
- Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.
Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how you might typically react, it’s time to do step 3.. Here are some points to remember when redirecting the goal of revenge:
- Don’t hurt back
- Re-establish your relationship
- Validate their feelings.
- Make amends
- Admit when you are wrong.
- Empathize
- If someone else is the problem, help him find more healthy ways to handle the issue.
- Teach him how to express anger and hurt in appropriate ways.
Here is an ineffective response to the goal of revenge:
“NATHAN!” screams Mom. “What have you done to my curtains?”
“I didn’t do anything,” Nathan lies in a futile attempt to avoid Mom’s wrath.
“What is the matter with you?” And before he can answer she threatens, “Go to your room. Wait until your father comes home!”
Nathan slithers to his room, terrified of his father’s retribution and trying to not care.
What has Nathan learned here? To fear his father? Notice how Mom has inadvertently made Dad the bad guy? Mom has no understanding of why Nathan did what he did and nothing really gets resolved.
Here is an ineffective response using the steps to redirect the goal of revenge:
Mom says, “Nathan, you must have been REALLY angry with me to cut my curtain. (Empathy) What did I do?”
“You broke your promise. You said we were going to take me to the movie and you went back to work instead! All you do is work. Why did you bother to have me anyway?!!” retaliates Nathan. (Note that some children may not be able to identify and express what they are hurting about. You may have to make some guesses.)
“Oh, you're right, honey. I did break my promise. That was very wrong of me (Admit when you are wrong). You must feel like my work is more important than you. (Empathize)”
“Yeah, you got that right!” says Nathan, softening a little.
“I can understand why you feel that way. It's not true. You are VERY important to me. What can I do to make this up to you?" (Make amends)
“You could take me next Saturday and keep your word,” pouts Nathan.
“It’s a deal,” says Mom as she takes out her calendar and writes down the date in front of Nathan so he can see how important this is to her. Mom asks, “Will you forgive me?”
“Yeah.” The corners of Nathan’s mouth curl up ever so slightly. They hug.
Later that evening, after Mom has made time to build her son’s emotional bank account (Re-establish the relationship) and Nathan has had a chance to process what has happened, Mom asks, “Hey, I have a request of you?”
“What is it?” asks Nathan, curious and cautiously.
“The next time you get mad at me like that, would you be willing to tell me how mad you are instead of getting even with me? ’Cause I am likely to make more mistakes like this, and besides, curtains are expensive!” Mom says, half joking and half serious.
“Ok.” Nathan sounds relieved to know he has options.
“What could you have said to me?” (Teach him how to express his anger appropriately) Mom asks.
The conversation continues and mom adds, “I would also like you to help pay for a new curtain.”
Notice that Mom did not grovel for her son’s forgiveness. The make up was reasonable. Mom did not make excuses for her behavior nor did she defend herself. Excusing yourself and defending only make the other person mad. Punishing the child who has the goal of revenge will only make matters worse. Their reaction to punishment is to escalate the situation or to act like they don’t care.
What did Nathan learn in this example?
- To express his feelings appropriately.
- To be responsible for his actions.
- To repair his mistakes.
- That his mother cares about his feelings.
Click Here to go to Exercise 3
