Redirecting your Child's behavior

Lesson: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Exercise: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Lesson 2 - Identifying the Goal of Power

The child who has the goal of power seems to be saying with their actions and words, “You can't make me.” The parent in this situation feels challenged and angry because of their behavior.

Earlier in this session, we discussed the three steps of redirecting children’s behavior. They are:

Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how you might typically react, it’s time to do step 3. Once you have identified a power struggle, here are 11 ways to redirect power struggles:

Oftentimes we nag our children about what they should be doing, and as a result our children become "parent deaf." Use friendly action instead. For example, you ask your child to pick up his toy from the living room floor. He says, "In just a minute." A minute goes by and the toy still isn't picked up. Put a friendly smile on your face, bring your child over to the toy and walk away. Do not repeat yourself or get into a verbal power struggle with him.

During a power struggle, our typical first thought is, “How can I get this situation under control?”

Change your question to "How can I give my child more appropriate power (or influence) in this particular situation?"

It might be as simple as asking him for his help or putting him in charge of a particular job. For example, if you are having difficulty with a toddler wandering off while grocery shopping, put him in the shopping cart, give him the shopping list and a crayon and have him be in charge of checking off items on your list. Or, if you have a toddler who refuses to put on her seat belt, designate her to be the “Seat Belt Boss”. The driver can’t drive until the boss has made sure everyone has his or her seat belt on. If you argue with your teenager about money, have her balance the checkbook, work on a family budget, or help with the accounting in your business. We all want to feel powerful, and if we don't have opportunities to do it appropriately, we will seek power in inappropriate ways --like power struggles, or picking on siblings.

If we don’t find useful ways for our children to feel powerful, they will find power in inappropriate ways.

“You have got to be kidding,” you might be saying to yourself, “Why would I want to teach them THAT?!” Many of us were not allowed to say “no” growing up, and since we weren't allowed to say “no” verbally, we learned to say it in a number of devious ways -- like rebelling or doing a job halfway. Teach your children to respectfully say, "No, I don’t want to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floor." This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.

We all like to feel we have some control over our destiny, and our children are no different. One way to do this is to let them make choices. For instance, "Do you want peas or carrots for dinner?" or "Do you want to set the table or make the salad?"

The purpose of giving choices to a child is to empower him or her, not to manipulate the child into doing what you want.

“The best way to use your influence is to make your children into sensitive, aware choice makers.”

- Deepak Chopra author of “The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents”

Sometimes children get “locked in” to the pattern of a power struggle, and their behavior becomes irrational. Doing the unexpected distracts them and allows them to regroup. For example: two children were fighting in the kitchen. Mom usually broke them up and sent them begrudgingly to their rooms. This time, Mother decided to do the unexpected. Instead of breaking them up, she started a wet paper towel fight. They had a delightful time together and forgot about their power struggle.

Think of a person in your life, past or present, whom you couldn’t win with. What is/was it like to be with that person? How did you feel? What did you feel like doing when you were in this person’s presence?

Now, think of a person in your life whom you feel like you could win with. What is/was it like to be with that person? How did you feel? What did you feel like doing when you were in this person’s presence?

Which person do you want to be?

For example: Brianna, who was three at the time, and I were taking a bath. She wanted “little” water and I wanted “big” water and the debate was beginning to get heated. I remembered to take my own advice and asked, "How can we both win?" She answered quickly, “How about while you are in the tub with me, we have “big” water and then when you get out, I will stay and play in “little” water?” “Brilliant,” I said as we proceeded to enjoy a leisurely bath together.

Parents often have a certain way of doing things. If things don’t go the way they planned, they become upset or controlling. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen if I let go of my position? Would that be so bad? What is the best thing that could happen? Will this matter five years from now?”

An example: A single mother, who was an attorney, had a son who was thirteen. They would spend up to an hour arguing about his bathing. The other parents in the “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” class recommended that she withdraw from the conflict and not say anything to her son. Mom protested profusely, claiming that her petulant son would NEVER bathe if she didn’t intervene. The group was persistent in their advice, and the mother promised to refuse to get involved in the power struggle regarding his bathing. The next week, everyone in the class was dying to know what had happened. Here is her report: “Eric did not bathe for three days and he was starting to smell. However, I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything. Eric baited me: ‘You haven’t said anything about my bath for three days!’ And I responded with, ‘Yes, and I never will.’ He went to his room, came back a few minutes later, and asked, ‘Never, ever?’ ‘Never, ever!” I announced. He has been bathing ever since!”

Use signals to avoid excessive talking. For example, a preteen was forgetting to say, “thank you” to her friend’s parents when she left their house. Mom asked her daughter, “I know that you want to say thank you, and I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your friend. What signal could we use?” Her daughter suggested touching her gently on the elbow. The problem was solved!

It always works best to have the child develop the signal as they feel they have a part in the solution.

We say things like, "pick up your toys," "brush your teeth," "eat your cereal," etc. Again, to eliminate excessive talking, just use one word. It will work even better if your child picks the word. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stop nagging, and that you will be using just one word from now on to tell them what needs to be done. For example, if their shoes need to be picked up, instead of giving a dissertation on shoe pickup, you could simply say “shoes.”

Did you know that your child receives over 2,000 compliance requests daily from adults?

Or, if your child has said something sassy, say one word (such as “redo”) that means you want to hear what your child has to say, but in a respectful way. Make sure you say, “redo” in a friendly voice, and with a smile. If you are willing to take a look at your own misbehaviors and learn from them, you can also allow your child (and partner) to say this to you!

Another example: A father had a teenage son whose school had taken physical education out of the curriculum. As a result, this teenager would come home with raging hormones that had no outlet. He began to take his frustrations out on the nearest victim. Dad explained how his son needed a physical outlet and asked him how they could resolve this problem. They agreed that Dad would say the word “tramp” (one of his son’s favorite forms of exercise) when he noticed his son was starting to “terrorize” someone. This was his son’s signal to go jump on the trampoline in order to release his frustrations. The teen’s reign of terror ceased to be a threat to the family, for which everyone will be eternally grateful!

Autocratic demands often set off the child who is power-hungry. To avoid this, ask questions instead. For example, instead of demanding, “Put your coat away,” say, “Where does your coat go?” to a younger child. For an older child, instead of saying, “Do your homework,” ask, “What is your schedule?” Or, instead of telling him to do his chores, ask, “What do you want to get done today? If they don’t mention the homework or chore, non-judgmentally ask, “Where will you fit in your homework/chore?”

Some power-hungry children simply need space. Give them a chance to do what you are asking on their own time. If you are in the middle of a power struggle, withdraw and come back to the situation when you are both calm and have had a chance to process it.

For example, a toddler didn’t like getting her diaper changed. Struggles would ensue that typically ended with the parent forcing the diaper change and the toddler crying. The parents learned to ask her if she wanted her diaper changed. She would say, “no”. The parent would respect her “no” and then ask again a few minutes later. Using this procedure, she would happily allow them to change her diapers. This didn’t always work, and the parents didn’t always have the time to give her some space. However, it did dramatically reduce the number of diaper-changing meltdowns.

Another example: Andrea, age ten, would frequently lose it when her mother would help with her homework. Instead of forcing her to understand and do the problem, Mom learned to say, “I noticed that I am starting to get frustrated. I am going to leave and come back in a few minutes after I have calmed down.” Giving her daughter space reduced the amount of time spent on homework, because they fought less.

“If you respond to a child who’s having difficulty shifting a cognitive set as if he were being intentionally noncompliant, you probably won’t help him shift gears faster.”

Ross Greene, Ph.D. author of The Explosive Child