Children who have not been taught how to get attention appropriately will use unproductive means to get an adult’s attention. Children who misbehave with the goal of attention seem to be saying with their actions and words, “Keep busy with me!” The parent in this situation feels annoyed and frustrated by their behavior.
Children seeking attention may exhibit one or more of the following behaviors:
Whining
Oversensitivity
Overeagerness to please
Being Overdramatic
Procrastination
Showing off
Hyperactivity
Keeping you busy with them
Parents often react to these behaviors in nonproductive ways, such as:
Giving in
Coaxing and/or reminding
Getting frustrated
Repeating yourself over and over
Doing more than you need to
Here is an example of the goal of attention that you might be able to relate to:
Mom is on the phone. Three-year-old Lilly whines, “I can’t find my dolly.” Mom tells her to be quiet. Lilly’s whine becomes more incessant, making mom’s phone call unbearable. Mom interrupts the call to find Lilly’s doll.
What has Lilly learned? She has learned to be obnoxious until she gets what she wants. Is that what Mom intended to teach Lilly? Of course not! Here are the steps for redirecting:
REDIRECT THE GOAL OF ATTENTION Earlier in this session, we discussed the three steps to redirecting children’s behavior. They are:
Check your emotional state.
Understand what your child is trying to communicate.
Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.
Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how you might typically react, it’s time to do step 3. Below are four steps to take when your child is asking for inappropriate attention. These steps are taken from the book, "Redirecting Children's Behavior" published by Parenting Press.
Step 1. Make no eye contact with the child. Step 2. Use no words with the child. Step 3. Non verbally make the child feel loved. For example, rub child’s back, hair or anything that is soothing to the child. Step 4.Take action immediately. Make the child feel loved as soon as possible.
From the example above, this is what the four steps would look like, assuming that Mom has instructed Lilly how to get Mom’s attention in an appropriate way.
Lilly starts whining about her doll. Mom continues her conversation on the phone. Without making eye contact or talking, Mom starts lovingly stroking Lilly’s back. Typically, this fills the child’s emotional gas tank and she will go off to play.
If this doesn’t work, check to make sure you are following the steps. You may not realize you are talking. Or instead of being loving, perhaps you are being impatient and wanting your child to go away. Also, if this not working, your child may have the goal of power.
Parents who believe that it is their responsibility to make their child happy and make sure their children are entertained run the risk of raising child who have an insatiable appetite for attention.
