The Family Puzzle... Putting the Pieces Together
Session 3 - WHY DOES MY CHILD "MISBEHAVE?"
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Exercise: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5
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There are three steps to redirecting children’s behavior. They are:
- Check your emotional state.
- Understand what your child is trying to communicate.
- Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.
These steps will be discussed in this session
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3 steps to redirecting your child's behavior.
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Step 1. Check your emotional state.
My husband Brian and my daughter Brianna got into a “tif.” In the middle of it, Brianna told Brian that he needed to learn how to read her body language. Later that night, when Brianna was in bed, I commented to him about how he could use the same skills he uses when he dances in communicating with Brianna. I explained how when he dances with me, he doesn’t force me across the dance floor but instead pays close attention to my body language. The same is true with children. The discussion then led into how we should have a catchy phrase to help parents check in with themselves before they react. Brian came up with this ditty.
Have you noticed how your mental state can escalate a situation? I have reacted to a situation where my child made a simple request and my reaction caused it to escalate to the point where my child dissolved into a puddle of tears. We discussed this in Session One, but checking in with yourself before you respond to a child is so important to effective parenting that it is worthwhile to have numerous reminders. Parents who are stressed tend to be less emotionally available for their children and less tolerant of the challenges of children's behaviors, and therefore cause the situation to escalate more often.
The ideal first step is for you to self-reflect before you respond to your child. In those moments of self-reflection, you tune into yourself and ask yourself these questions:
What is my state of mind right now?
Am I calm, loving and accepting or am I angry, frustrated and critical?
If you are calm, loving and accepting, you can go on to the next step. If you are not in a calm, loving and accepting place, STOP! You will accomplish little approaching your child in this state of mind. Take a break, breath, count, do whatever you have to do to center yourself and be the compassionate parent you want to be. You will achieve a more effective outcome if you take time to do a mental check in.
So use this ditty to help you and your family members do a mental check-in before you respond (tango) to your child. This is also a fun way to assist them when you notice that their attitude is about to get them in trouble.
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“Where you are coming from is more important than where you are going to.”
Brian Harper – my husband
The situation can easily escalate if you do not make the brain feel safe. One of the purposes of the brain is to protect the body. If you do not make the brain of a child (or adult) feel safe, that brain will respond with an attack, defense, freezing or over-compliance. The acronym SAFE can be used to help you to remember what to do to make the brain feel safe.
Help the brain feel SAFE
Survey the need - what is the child’s need (Is she hungry, tired, sick, etc.)
Appropriate touch – a gentle loving touch sometimes helps to soothe a child
Friendly tone – use a non-threatening tone of voice
Eye level – get on the child’s eye level so she doesn’t feel overpowered by your
presence
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Help the brain feel safe.
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Step 2- Understand what your child is trying to communicate Children usually misbehave because their needs are not being met. Recall the needs discussed in Session 1:
- need to belong
- need to be taught a skill
- need to feel loved
- need to feel valuable/powerful
- need to feel respected
- need to experiment and explore
- physical need (tiredness, hunger, or sickness)
Parents unknowingly react in ways that reinforce unproductive behavior. For example, we have all seen the child in the grocery store who whines for a cookie (she was probably mine!). Mom or dad say,” no” a few times. The child turns his whine up a notch or two and. Presto! The child is given the cookie! The parent has just reinforced the child’s misbehavior.
Unfortunately, no single discipline method will be effective in every situation. You must take time to think about why your child is misbehaving in order to determine what method to use. In order to do this, you must determine what goal your child has in mind. Identify his goal before you decide how to discipline him.
Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, in his book Children the Challenge, described the four mistaken goals. They are attention, power, revenge and avoidance. When a child feels their need is not being met, they often turn to one of these four mistaken goals. These goals are mistaken because they are an attempt by the child to get their real goal (to belong, to feel loved, etc.) met, but in an ineffective way.
Until you understand the goal of your child’s misbehavior, you can’t be sure how to redirect their behavior. One way to understand their goal is to determine how the child is inviting you to feel. You will notice in the following chart that each goal makes you feel differently.
Step 3 - Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.
Mistaken Goal Chart
Click here to down load a printable file of the Mistaken Goal Chart.
Click Here to go to Lesson 1
