The Family Puzzle... Putting the Pieces Together
Session 2 - Encouragement - The Key to Your Child's Self-Image
Lesson 8 - What Parenting Style Do You Use?
Part 2 of 2
Let’s look at possible outcomes of these three parenting styles. Here are three responses to a child’s request for money after she has spent her allowance:
Let's look at possible outcomes of these three parenting styles. Here are three responses to a child's request for money after she has spent her allowance:
Autocratic Parenting
"Would you buy me this pen? It’s really cool," begs Megan
"No. Where's your money," questions Mom.
"I have already spent my money," Megan sheepishly responds.
"It is only the beginning of the week and you're already out of money!" admonishes Mom.
Megan is likely to feel angry and put down from this approach. Mom has become the enemy here, which allows Megan to take the focus off of her responsibility to budget money.
Permissive Parenting
"Would you buy me this pen? It’s really cool," begs Megan.
"No. Where's your money," questions Mom.
"I have already spent my money," Megan sheepishly responds. " Pleeeaasse," Megan continues to beg. I will pay you back next week."
"Oh, all right," caves Mom. Mom never collects on the promise.
Megan learns she doesn't have to be responsible for budgeting. Mom will give in and never hold her accountable. She learns that if she gets into trouble, her mom will bail her out.
Mindful Parenting
"Would you buy me this pen? It’s really cool," begs Megan.
"It is cool. It is very colorful. I am not willing to buy it for you, but you could use your allowance money," answers Mom
"I have already spent my money," Megan sheepishly responds. " Pleeeaasse," Megan continues to beg. I will pay you back next week."
"No, but I would be happy to bring you here next week when you get your allowance." Mom answers in a kind yet firm tone. "It's frustrating when you haven't budgeted for things you want, isn't it? I know you can do it. Remember when you saved for the turtle for a whole month?"
Megan feels Mom is interested in what she wants and she feels cared about. However, she learns to take responsibility for her actions because Mom is firm about not giving her the money. Mom also reminded her of how capable she is.
"For these are all our children; we will profit by, or pay for, whatever they become."
- unknown
Contention or Connection
The choice is yours. At every encounter with your child you have the choice to do battle with your child or to create connection. Here is a list of coercive ways to get your child to do what you want and next to it a counterpart that creates connection:
| Assumed Guilt |
Assumed Innocence |
| Fear |
Physical and Emotional Safety |
| Judgment |
Self-Reflection |
| Criticism |
Focus On What Is Working |
| Humiliation |
Empowerment
|
| Blame |
Personal Responsibility
|
| Prying |
Trust
|
| Shame |
Encouragement |
| Comparisons |
Honoring Individuality |
| Lectures |
Brief Statements
|
| Sarcasm |
Truth |
Respect from your child can no longer be demanded or expected in our present time. It must be earned.
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