The Family Puzzle... Putting the Pieces Together
Sesson 2 - Encouragement - The Key to Your Child's Self-Image
Lesson 3 - Ways to Say "Good For You!"
In order for encouragement to be effective, it must have the following characteristics:
- Be Believable – The child has to believe what you say. In order for your encouragement to be believable, it must be truthful. For example if you tell a child that he sings well and he doesn’t, that bit of encouragement will not be effective.
- Motivate Internally – The idea here is to create a self-directed child, rather than creating a child who needs to be motivated by external rewards or verbal validation. For example, the statement “I am proud of you” is external. “You look proud of yourself” is internal.
- Be Sincere and Non-Manipulative – Encouragement is most effective when it is done to help your child feel good about herself, not to get her to do what you want her to do.
- Be Specific – Comments like, “You are so good,” are not effective because they are too general. “You were very thoughtful today when you brought that card to the teacher,” is more specific. This empowers the child so she can act on the information, integrate it into her future actions, and grow from the encouragement. It also means more to the child and builds self-esteem more readily. Finally, it’s more believable because the child can relate it back to a memory.
- Cause Self-Reflection – Comments like, “I noticed you spent extra time on that science project. What did you like best about that project?” cause self-reflection. This helps the child look inside and discover who they are. You are helping your child develop a clear inner guidance system.
“Self-referral means you look within for guidance. Self-referral brings fulfillment of the spirit that cannot be achieved by material success.”
Deepak Chopra, author of The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents
It can be tricky to change your wording to something more encouraging. A partial list is included below. Notice that in most of the statements below, the word "I" (referring to the adult) has been left out. The purpose of this omission is to encourage the child to become internally motivated rather than doing things to win the approval of an adult.
Here are some possibilities:
WAYS TO SAY “GOOD FOR YOU!”
- How did you do that?
- It got done a lot faster because you helped.
- Your questions are really thought-provoking.
- How did you come up with that?
- That was very thoughtful of you.
- I appreciate ……
- It looks like you put a lot of work into this.
- What did you enjoy doing best in this project?
- How does that make you feel?
- You look proud of yourself.
- Your politeness is very refreshing!
- You are a good friend to have.
- You put a lot of effort into that, didn’t you?
- You make it fun to be on your team.
- Teach me how you did that.
- It must make you feel good that…
- You were very encouraging to….
- That must make you feel warm inside.
- How does that make your heart feel?
- You were very assertive!
- You were certainly listening very well!
- Boy, you put your all into _____! Didn’t you?
- How do you want to celebrate yourself?
- I am happy for you!
- Thank you for being patient, listening, understanding, helping etc.
Click the Refrigerator below (large image for large picture or small image for small picture) to view Refrigerator Wisdom. Click the Email Text to email the Wisdom to a family member or friend.
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Ways to say "good for you."
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