It can be difficult to set a clear limit. To follow through can also be challenging. They can be particularly difficult when we are tired or stressed.
Children need to know by your words and your actions where your boundaries are. Do you always stop at a yellow light? Do you sometimes slide through the yellow light, as it is turning red? W can’t eliminate the yellow light in the traffic light. However we can eliminate the yellow lights in our communication with our children. How many times have you caught yourself making a request and adding the questioning word, “Okay?” to the end of your sentence? Or let your child stay up to late on a school night? Or caught yourself repeating yourself several times?
It is humanly impossible to be consistent every time we set limits. But whenever possible, eliminate the yellow signal that allows the child to slip through. Children of all ages need and want limits even though they test them.
Steps for Setting Limits:
“UHA” Empathize with how they feel (i.e., make sure they feel Understood, Heard and Accepted).
State limit clearly, or ask the child what the agreement is if you have one in place.
Give them a choice (if under 4 years old), or ask them what their options might be (if over 4).
Refrigerator Wisdom
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Below is a situational example of setting a limit:
Emily, age four, is scribbling on the wall.
Step 1 – “Emily, it looks like you are having fun drawing."
Step 2 – “Walls are not for coloring.”
Step 3 – “Do you want to color in your coloring book or with chalk in the driveway?”
The degree to which you will have success setting limits is the degree to which you are able to help your child feel understood, heard and accepted. The more your child feels this way, the more likely they are to cooperate.
During step 2, it is important to be clear: make it short, and don’t argue. If necessary, simply repeat the limit in a calm, friendly tone of voice.
Setting limits starts and ends with loving yourself. Setting limits will become easier the more you have self-respect. Initially, this process can be difficult, confusing and painful. One minute you may feel determined and clear and the next minute you may feel unsure of yourself. However, when you set clear limits, your family will experience less tension because you will feel more nurturing and loving toward them.
Parental Bill of Rights
I have a right to have time for myself.
I have a right to spend time with my partner without interruptions.
I have a right to my personal space.
I have a right to have things without sharing them with others.
I have a right to make MY dreams happen.
I have a right to say “NO!”
I have a right to be listened to – the first time.
I have a right to change my mind.
I have a right to make mistakes.
I have a right to ALL of my feelings.
I have a right to take care of myself.
I have a right to not be responsible for other people’s feelings or actions.
I have a right to expect honesty from others.
I have a right to have my own needs and wants respected by others.
I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.
I have a right to be spoken to respectfully.
Refrigerator Wisdom
Click the Refrigerator below (large image for large picture or small image for small picture) to view Refrigerator Wisdom. Click the Email Text to email the Wisdom to a family member or friend.
