The Family Puzzle... Putting the Pieces Together
Session 2 - Encouragement - The Key to Your Child's Self-Image
Lesson 1 - 22 Ways to Enhance Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Most children are bombarded with negative messages about themselves, from everything from TV ads to schoolmates. Below are 22 ways to counterbalance these negative messages.
1. Offer Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Offer your child one hundred percent of your attention and love without being distracted by other thoughts. Share feelings that create warmth and closeness. This lets your child know that he is important and valuable.
2. Make a mistake for GOODness sake!
Teach children that making mistakes is valuable. It is important that children know mistakes are essential to learning. As a family, turn the above phrase into a rap to be sung when someone makes a mistake. Make sure everyone's tone of voice is light and playful. Click the play button below to hear an example.
We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success; we often discover what will do by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never makes a mistake, never makes a discovery.
- Samuel Smiles
3. Teach children to do make-ups.
Example: A father allowed his children to use his tools to do a project. They got spots of paint on the handles of his tools, so the father asked them what they might do to repair their mistake. The kids decided to repaint the handles silver.
When a child or parent has done something to disturb the relationship or broken an agreement, invite them to do a make-up. A make-up is not a punishment -- it is a way to make amends for any inconvenience caused by one’s actions.
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a) Example: A child broke the glass covering a framed picture in the living room. She offered to weed Mom’s garden in order to earn money for replacing the glass.
b) It is important that the person making the mistake determines how he or she will make up for it. If the parent presses her for a make-up, it becomes external control rather than internal control.
c) This system works best when it is modeled by the parents.
4. Handling mistakes
As adults, we model how to respond to mistakes and unconsciously teach our children how to handle theirs.
Below are some effective and ineffective examples of how we might do this:
a) We don’t discuss our mistakes and try and hide them.
b) We are overly apologetic about our mistakes.
c) We make excuses for ourselves.
d) We blame someone else.
e) We get defensive
f) We admit mistakes easily and openly.
g) We applaud mistakes.
h) We learn valuable lessons from mistakes.
i) We repair them if needed.
5. Look for the “O”
Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs was visiting with a school teacher, and the teacher was showing him a homework assignment that she felt was extremely sloppy. Dreikurs looked down at the paper, found an “O” that wasn’t sloppy and said, “This is fine looking “O” right here.”
6. Stay off the “pity potty”
Feeling sorry for your child only encourages him to feel sorry for himself. Courage and empathy are needed, not sympathy.
7. Whatever we overprotect, we make weak
Don’t solve your child’s problems -- give him the skills necessary to solve his own problems. For example, instead of protecting your child from being picked on, teach him the necessary skills to help him stop others from doing so. Or, instead of talking to the teacher for him, role-play with him what to say to his teacher (you can still go with him, but let him do the talking).
When you allow children to solve their own problems, they learn to be creative and resourceful, which in turn leads to self-confidence and self-reliance.
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