Steps to create win/win negotiation
1. Bring peace to the fight:
- Get on the child's eye level.
- Touch gently, in a loving way, their back or shoulder.
- Do this without saying anything.
- Make friendly eye contact
2. If the are fighting over a toy, hold out your hand for the toy while remaining silent. Put the toy out of sight - behind your back.
3. Empathize with the most emotionally charged child first, and then the other.
4. Turn their attention away from the fight and switch their focus to what they want.
5. Ask them how they could work it out so they are both happy. Try using the phrase, “That’s an idea!” to all of their suggestions to avoid judging someone’s idea being better than another. Do not offer suggestions unless they get stuck.
6. Help them choose a solution.
7. Make sure they are both happy with the outcome
8. Acknowledge each child specifically for the skills they demonstrated (i.e. “You were patient, you were creative, or you stuck up for what you wanted.”). This supports them in identifying helpful skills to resolve future conflict.
You might be saying to yourself, “I don’t have time to do this every time my children fight!” You don’t have to. If you take the time to do these steps several times a week, they will be able to do it on their own shortly.
Below are some other things you can do when your children fight:
- Leave the room
- Do something unexpected, like joining the fight in a playful manner
- Ask them both to take a cooling off period
- If you are in a car, pull over to the side of the road and tell them ONCE, “It is too dangerous for me to drive when there is fighting going on in my car.” Wait silently until they quiet down and then start driving again.
If you are a parent of a single child, these same principles work when a fight arises between friends or relatives.
Children develop patterns of dealing with conflict that they will use for a lifetime. Some children learn to become victims, some bullies, and some learn healthy ways for handling conflict. The goal is not to stop or eliminate conflict, but rather to teach your child how to deal with conflict effectively. Parents have an important influence on which patterns children will choose.
Parents often ignore or minimize fighting, hoping that it will stop, or thinking that it’s “simply child’s play.” It takes great courage to be aware that developing good conflict resolution skills will ultimately bring more peace into one’s family.
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Steps to create win/win negotiation.
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