Redirecting your Child's behavior

There is probably no activity that evokes more frustration from parents than fighting. Why do children fight?

Below are some reasons children fight

To get parent’s attention
Boredom
To get parent to choose one child over another
To overpower
For excitement
To release tension
To get their way
To get rescued
Because they don’t know how to get attention from the sibling appropriately

How can we prevent fighting? How can we stop fighting? First, let’s look at some things we unknowingly do to encourage their fights.

Using comparisons
"I wish you would get good grades like your sister." Statements like this make children feel resentful towards their siblings.
Using competition “
”Whoever gets to the car first, wins!" This seems like an innocent statement. However, it provokes competition and encourages fighting words such as, “I get to sit in the front seat! I was here first!”
Tell them not to feel negative feelings towards their siblings
This is one way we teach our children to be afraid to share their feelings with us. The feelings don’t go away; instead, they are likely to intensify because they are never dealt with in a healthy way. Instead of saying, “You don’t hate your brother,” empathize with your child’s anger. Say, “I can understand that you’re really angry with Jason right now.”
Forcing children to share
Be sure your child has some things he doesn’t have to share.
Rescuing
Often we feel the need to rescue one child from another. This sets up a victim/bully mentality that is not healthy.
Having a favored child
Children are very sensitive to parents who show favoritism. Children get favored for different reasons: being the “baby,” being chronically sick or excelling at something that requires a lot of time and attention. Resentment is created when one child gets more attention, whether positive or negative, than another.
Labeling children
When a child is labeled the “good” child or the “bad" child, they tend to live up to our expectations. Believe it or not, the “good” child often provokes the “bad” child.

As parents, we have a unique opportunity to teach our children how to handle conflict in a way that will affect them for the rest of their life. The skills they learn now will be used on the playground as children, in the boardroom as a business person, and in the bedroom as a spouse. Below are some suggestions.

Teach empathy
Teach your children to consider each other’s feelings. For example, “How do you think Matt feels?”
Teach repair
If your child has hurt another child, say, "Matt looks sad. What do you think Matt needs right now? How could you help?"
Stress teamwork and cooperation
Use phrases like, “Let’s see how fast we can get this done by working together!” or “Wow! Look how fast we got that done as a team!”!”
Refuse to choose
If siblings are fighting over what book is read to them, say, “When the two of you have decided which book you want me to read, come and get me.” This keeps you from having to choose one child over the other as well as teaching them how to negotiate and to be responsible for solving their problems.
Schedule activities
If your children are fighting because they are bored, redirect that energy into some positive activity. Children frequently fight after watching too much television.
Redirect a child who gives in
Children who develop a pattern of giving in often feel resentful and continue this pattern into adulthood. They learn to become victims of life’s circumstance instead of going for what they want in life. Redirect this child by teaching her how to assert herself in a positive way.
Be creative
Use creative ways to redirect fighting; for example, one mother turns on music when the kids begin to fight. They have all agreed beforehand to dance when the music starts. This helps release the tension in a healthy way.
Teach win/win negotiation
Negotiation means that both children get what they want and need.