You’ve had a long, hard day and you’re looking forward to going home to some peace and quiet. As you open the door to your house, and the TV is blaring, your three children are fighting, and the house is a wreck! You scream, “Turn the TV off NOW! @#*@#*!” Sound familiar?
After you react, you often feel a moment of power -- you have parted the Red Sea! You have scared your kids and they are scurrying around trying to appease you. Then a wave of guilt hits you and creates a sinking feeling that you have lost control of your temper.
Did you know there’s a moment in time that can alter your relationships forever? It’s the time between a child’s action and your reaction. It’s an extremely powerful moment in time -- it can be as short as a nanosecond or as long as an eternity, and only you have the power to determine how long it will last.
Most of us are unaware of this powerful moment because we are busy reacting. Once you become conscious of this moment, you can reclaim the power of choice by not reacting -- something that will have an effect on you and all those around you for the rest of your life. Not reacting is simple, but also difficult because initially it may elicit feelings of being a wimp. Over time, however, you will begin to realize that it gives you even more power than reacting immediately. Again this is a place to be gentle with yourself. If you are able to do this once a week – celebrate! The more you practice, the easier it will become and the better your results will be.
How can you make the most effective use of this time? Below is a list of some things you can do to keep calm and not react:
- Take 3 deep breaths
- Say a mantra – a sacred word or chant that is repeated to facilitate transformation of consciousness
- Smile – Sounds simple, but try it --it really works!
- Take a break – Instead of saying, “You guys are driving me crazy. I’m leaving!” Say, “I need to cool off. I will be back in ten minutes.” Notice that you are not blaming them, nor are you threatening to leave. It is never a good idea to threaten your child with leaving.
- Pray
All of these examples will have a calming effect on your body and give you time to think of a more effective way to deal with the problem at hand. Then, you will have the ability to respond instead of merely reacting. The good news is that every time you pause to calm yourself, you will reinforce this behavior so that in time you will become a calmer parent
Another powerful thing to do in this moment is to ask yourself, “What is my intention?” There are helpful intentions and unhelpful intentions. Since we tend to parent unconsciously, asking this question makes us conscious. As a result, we start parenting from choice instead of from unconscious patterns.
Ineffective Intentions:
- To control
- To intimidate
- To hurt
- To avoid
Effective Intentions:
- To love
- To teach a skill
- To redirect
- To encourage
- To empower
If your answer to the question, “What is my intention?” is an ineffective one, choose a more effective intention. If the answer is helpful, congratulate yourself!
Teach your family the concept of the Power of the Pause. Demonstrate how to use it and then ask them when would be a time when they think it would be helpful to remember the Power of the Pause. If they can't think of any, suggest: when their sibling does something to make them mad, when asked to do something by a parent, or any time you have observed them loosing control. Click here to download your refrigerator wisdom to help your family remember The Power of the Pause.
The Power of the Pause
What is my intention?
To love
To teach a skill
To redirect
To encourage
To empower
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